pitchslapped | First date

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jesse

First date

It's ridiculous. She has no idea why she's so nervous.

Back at Barden, they'd never actually done this. Yeah, they'd gone out to dinner together, obviously, but they'd never really bothered dating. After that first kiss at Lincoln Center, they'd just sort of fallen into being together, completely. No awkward dinner dates required. Still, Jesse wants to start over, and Beca can see the wisdom in that. They both different people than the other one remembers. They need to figure each other out again.

She spent most of the day looking for a dress. Hopefully, he'll like this one. God. Why is she so nervous?

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Now she was just deflecting. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you looked at it) Jesse was familiar with that tactic and he wasn't going to get drawn in to it. It upset him that she was doing it but he wasn't going to let it get to him like she was maybe hoping it would.

"That's not what I meant at all, Beca," he said, leveling a look at her. "Help me understand what's so bad about waiting a little bit. I'm not going anywhere."

And he wasn't. And that was the issue. Jesse wasn't going anywhere, he was the one that got left, the one who stayed in Darrow while friends and girlfriends left.

"I'm not going anywhere and I've lost you twice already. And I guess I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it a third time."

"I...I don't know," she says, tugging at her hair for lack of anything else to do with her hands. "But I don't know how to act around you like this. I don't know how to...be with you like this. Because it was never like this, Jesse. Not from Lincoln Center onwards. And that was a learning curve and I am..." She stumbles over the words. "I am too tired and too sad for another goddamn learning curve."

"How can you tell me that I'm what you want and then say that?" Jesse asked, growing more incredulous and pained by the moment. His fears from that first day he found her were proving to be true. He had changed too much for her to want to be with him. Everything had been through here had altered him too much for him to be hers. "So what, that's it? It's not like it was before and you- what, you don't have the energy to try and make it work?"

"You don't get it both ways, Jesse!" She snaps. "You don't get to dance with me like that and kiss me like that and then decide it's all too much for you. You've had two years to get used to this. I still don't know what I'm doing! I can't figure this place out and I can't...I don't know what you're thinking either."

"So that's it, it's all or nothing then? If we dance we have to have sex?" Jesse asked. He could understand how it was hard for her but she didn't seem to be giving him much room to grow or adjust. He didn't understand why she couldn't be at least temporarily content with what they had. Not even for one night.

"I'm thinking that the one person I want to be with more than anyone else now doesn't think I'm worth putting energy into. That the best thing that ever happened to me isn't satisfied with who or what I am. And I can't do anything to change that."

"If you kiss me like that then that's pretty much what I'm expecting," she says and immediately feels guilty for saying it. "I...you are so worth it to me. And I am selfish, Jesse. I'm so, so selfish and I just want to feel...right. Again. And I don't."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on. I wanted to kiss you and I knew you wanted me to kiss you but I didn't think about how that would make you feel," Jesse said. He could absolutely see how that was leading her on and something he should have talked about before he started kissing her like that while they were laying in bed.

"And hey," he said, stepping closer to her to reach out and take her hand. "I want to get to that place too, okay? I am committed to it and I am really looking forward to it. And I guess part of me is scared about how strongly I feel about you in such a short amount of time. I don't want to stop those feelings but part of me feels like I'm already being reckless."

Part of Beca wants to throw up a wall, play the bitch, pull away from him. But this is Jesse and...she's never really been able to do that effectively has she?She sways in, pressing her face against his bare chest.

"This is so fucking horrible."

'I know, I know it is," Jesse said, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. He just wanted to hold her, like by doing so he could make everything okay again. It was impossible, the problems they had were bigger than anything he could fix, but that doesn't mean he couldn't help with some of them.

"But we're going to get better. Because we belong together and the way it gets less horrible is by being with each other. I don't know about you but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make," he said, pulling back a bit so she could see him smile.

She's going to cry again - she can feel it. This time she doesn't try to hide it from him, just ducking her head as tears roll down her cheek.

"Yeah. Yes."

Jesse just held her there and let her cry, he knew that it was a big deal that she was being this open and vulnerable with him so he didn't say anything, instead just holding her while she would let him. He absolutely hated that it had come to this though, that he had made her cry.

"I bet you don't want me to stay now, right?" She says, finally. "Now I'm a snotty, disgusting mess? You want to call me a cab now or just send me down to wait on the sidewalk?"

"Yeah, the argument didn't put me off but you've got a little bit of a runny nose so I'm kicking you to the curb," he said, reaching up to wipe the tears away from her cheeks. The fact that she thought he wouldn't want her to stay stung a bit, but he knew she was just trying to protect herself. Fortunately he could do something about that.

"I still really want you to stay, Beca. And maybe tomorrow we should get some of your clothes to leave here? You know, for any other time you might want to fall asleep next to me."

Beca doesn't say anything, but she does press her face against his chest and nod again, her arms tight around her waist. It isn't much, but she knows that he's trying.

And it definitely feels like a start.

"Come on, let's get some sleep then," he said, reaching down to scoop her up in his arms. It was a ridiculous gesture but he wanted to keep her close. Carrying her to the bed he laid her down before getting in with her. Snuggling up he kissed her cheek before closing his eyes and resting his head on the pillow. It was going to be difficult and there were probably more arguments ahead but Jesse hoped that the worst one was behind them now. If they could fall asleep next to each other not everything could be awful.

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First date

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